Twinight, Her True Story
by Beijing 101
Summary: Bella: not the innocent, self-sacrificing girl we think she is? Well, let's see how she really sees things from her own selfish and sometimes shallow point-of-view. Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. Thankfully, it belongs to Stephanie Meyer.
1. A Tryst with Destiny, Prearranged

Enter Isabella "Bella" Marie Swan, perfect Mary Sue, complete with angst-ridden past, tragic life story. She is kind, noble and the object of lusty desire for every male character, human, leech and… dog.

She is sickly sweet sixteen, and thinks that she is ugly. But do not be fooled. This ignorance is discreetly feigned. With a whiff of perfume, she ensnares the male sex (100 percent success rate for cool guys). And she knows it.

Actually, the stupid bad guys who hate her all die in the end. And so we shall not discuss them.

Ahem. The storm clouds gather and there is now a hailstorm of blatant foreshadowing. An epic battle of Light and Dark ensues as Isabella moves from sunny Phoenix, Arizona to rainy Forks, Washington. Here, she is caught in a whirlwind of chaos, sexy leeches, Love, Lust, Fate, Sacrifice and Angst. I hope you can imagine the emo music blaring out right now. Something loud and morose. Wind is blowing; her hair is flapping in the manner of a L' Oreal Ad. Lightning and Thunder cross melodramatically in the background. There is a smell of ozone in the air.

Stop. Before we get your hopes up, we must stop. None of this soap opera happens until the last two chapters. Let us now get on with life.

Start all over again. Isabella's mother is set on having a new romance. Her new sex partner, Phil Dwyer, is a pathetic attempt at league baseball stardom. He never makes it, fortunately. Now, Isabella's mom Renée is so madly in love that she wants to travel the universe with Phil. Isabella, torn between her love for her mother and her… love for her mother decides to sacrifice her interests for the sake of the greater good. Amen.

And thus, our female fatale goes to live with her dad, Charlie. He fortunately doesn't fall in love with his beautifully bountiful and nubile daughter. If this had not been so, then we would have enjoyed a highly complicated theme of incest, inverted Electra Complex and a bagload more of awards. So there.

Our dear Bella goes to school. Shy, shy Bella prances with the grace of a Swan to school. The doors fling open and angels sing. There is an ethereal light emanating from beyond the clouds. Oh, it's just the Sun. But look! As Bella flounces and traipses down the school corridor, we witness a mysterious phenomenon. Members of the male sex start falling to the floor when they come within a ten-metre radius of Bella. Once again, fake ignorance prevails. We begin to wonder if Bella's cranium is really not filled with a bath sponge.

She speaks, "Oh dear, why is everyone swooning around me?"

We don't know, honey. But we think you do. At least we hope so.

Anyway, it is now magically lunchtime. Bella goes to eat. Oh no, she doesn't. One forgets that she is a closet bulimic. She heads straight to the sexiest people hanging around the canteen. Now that our scene is set, let the story begin!

Stepping forward timidly, she gasps. "They're so beautiful!"

And her next exclamation is: "They're hotter than I am!"

And her third is: "Why aren't they fawning over me?" Think of the indignant tone.

The members of the quiet group are all strangely pale and beautiful, the flawless white of their skin contrasting sharply against the dreary school background. One of them looks up. He is hot. But that's an understatement. His nose-to-face length ratio is as perfect as the Mona Lisa's, the Golden ratio, to be precise. Even the angle of elevation of his nose is perfect.

Then their eyes meet.

An irresistible sex beam shoots straight out of his eyes and a strange tingling sensation reverberates throughout Bella's entire being. He turns away and she is consumed by an enormous gulf of sadness.

Oh, would the Sun ever appear bright in my eyes again? Bella counterfeited despair. The popular me? How could they callously ignore me so?

But truth to be told, neither did poor Bella know that he had caught her irresistibly deliciously delicate scent. It was her blood, oh that sweet blood. Hail the Blood! So sweet it was that it would probably give him diabetes. Nevertheless, he was undeterred. His passions stirred and he tried oh so very hard to ignore her.

I will snag that guy. The impudence! To think that he could avert his eyes away from my mock despair! Arch! I might even have to stage my swooning act soon. I will get him; he will be the trophy of my conquest of the Male Sex. Hee hee hee…

Time passed quickly until the Biology lesson; did anyone tell you that time was relative? I enter the classroom in the most alluring way possible – shirt half-unbuttoned, shifted suggestively to one side. I leave the rest to your imagination. The teacher asks me to dress appropriately the next time, I feign ignorance and apologise.

The guy was the only one sitting alone. Oh the anti-social freak! Oh wait, maybe he has some dark, mysterious past… how attractive! I sit down beside him and act as though I do not think much of it. But in all truth his eyes captivate my mind, my body, my soul. Is it I who err in my seeing, or does he truly sparkle? Alas, I know not.

He turns to me with the hostile glare of a wounded animal, full of anger and fear. My, how manly he is! One such as he is truly worthy of me. He is curt in speech and silent for most of the lesson, always keeping a distance from me. Aha, I know now that he must think of me as some Sacred Goddess, too holy to touch or see. I smile, for my Secret Attack: Charm has worked.


	2. Dear Life

A day passes.

I try to appear (to my readers) torn-in-the-heart, Despondent and Desperate as a Housewife. I tear my hungry thoughts away from the strangely attractive guy and run off to kill myself. Dear fans, this is not for real, trust me, I love myself very much but cannot appear thus to others. Sigh, see how trapped I, the Tragic Figure, am?

I park my ramshackle, run-down truck at the school yard and get off to examine snow chains. How touching, I try to think. My dad's so sweet, getting up so early like that just to put those chains on my truck

I see a truck coming. I want to say that My Dear Life means so little to me, oh yes, oh yes. There are just some days when you feel so sad and trapped in your own miserable life. You feel that you want to be with someone else… Yet they are ignoring you to death and beyond. I'm drawn to him, for hell's sake! It's like being stuck under brown gravy. Smothered by starchy desire… I felt suffocated! It was the end of everything for me. I close my eyes.


	3. The Moment

Conveniently enough, or perhaps due to prior booking with Fate, a truck arrives to run Bella down. A shadow flashes across and hurls her to safety.

Well, I knew that that hot guy would come dashing to my rescue. It's just like my mom said before she ran off with that baseball retard. Just that I am… perhaps more… stringent in my selection of the ultimate manly man.

How excited I was! My heart was thumping, crashing, exploding! Yes, this was The Moment for me – my chance to snag the hot guy, the protagonist, the Hero. I desperately tried to recall the 101 Love Tips my mom had imparted to me before she left. I did my best. Adoringly, with eyes fluttering precisely at the most appealing speed, I gaze up into my soon-to-be lover's face.

It was the janitor. The cursed janitor. His face was wrinkly with a healthy sprinkling of pockmarks and pus. One can't help but compare him to the most noble of frog princes that exist only in fairy tales. His hair was an attractive wispy and gray. A golden halo emerged from the back of his head as he turned his mellow countenance towards the pale-faced me. He smiled with the grace and benevolence of an angel. Until a tooth dropped out and I scrunched up my face.

Ugh. He's disgusting. Angels and saints don't look like that. He totally doesn't match up to my hot hero. Couldn't he have spared me a thought and put on a mask? Time to change my Destiny. I scream.


	4. The Moment: Version Two

Pretend that the previous chapter didn't exist. Believe me; it didn't really happen that way. Well, that's what I'd like to think, and you can trust me. Here comes my Hero, let's try the whole thing over again:

A shadow flashes across and hurls her to safety.

Well, I knew that that hot guy would come dashing to my rescue. It's just like my mom said before she ran off with that baseball retard. Just that I am… perhaps more… stringent in my selection of the ultimate manly man.

How excited I was! My heart was thumping, crashing, exploding! Yes, this was The Moment for me – my chance to snag the hot guy, the protagonist, the Hero. I desperately tried to recall the 101 Love Tips my mom had imparted to me before she left. I did my best. Adoringly, with eyes fluttering precisely at the most appealing speed, I gaze up into my soon-to-be lover's face.

Yes! It was he – the target of my Desire! With his slightly frowning countenance he gazed upon my Being and I was supposedly caught up in whirlwind of torrid passion. Ugh! His face was akin to a sculpted Michelangelo splashed with _glitter. _Yes, the kind of sparkly glitter dust preschoolers apply to various surfaces with smudgy fingers.

And his face was a dreadful pallor. Some might say, "like white marble". I prefer to think, "Like a Resident Evil Zombie". Oh well, but since no one sees any of these flaws, I shall tell myself that I've been hallucinating. After all, when you're ugly and no one says you are, you must be an awfully Good Catch. At least that was what my mom once told me. Reel 'em in! She said. Pull and pull till you've got 'em.

Plus, he's rich. The whole school knows, for hell's sake. His car's cool, I swear he was wearing Prada yesterday. Well, you can't go wrong plucking off rich guys, right? Money, money, money, must be funny; it's a rich-ass world. Oh, I mean, "rich man".

The hot guy dashes me out of harm's way as fast as greased lightning. I beam with pure joy and gratitude. He is softly placing me on the gravel when I see a pile of mess and blood. The last remains of the janitor. I shall like to forget this scene. Forget about it, yes, none of this happened. Nope, the hot guy didn't do the old man in. Mom said that life's a long chain of self-denial. I kind of agree.

I turn to look back at the truck. It has swerved away by now, but just in time for me to notice a dent on its front in the exact shape as the hunk's broad shoulders. Talk about coincidence, or perhaps the guy did it deliberately to show off? You never know. You just never know.


	5. Hot Guy Hits on Car

It now strikes me that I have never really fangirled properly about how hot the guy was, is. I shall annoy you with some of it right this moment. Yes, this comes right after I had a narrow escape with my life and all that. Here we go: his name was Cullen… Edward Cullen. He had piercing gold-coloured eyes and a face of chiseled stone with confetti. His lips are seductively red… like blood (I am having a sorry go at foreshadowing here) and his cool breath oh so delectably sweet! Ah! Muscles of steel ripple underneath his obviously expensive shirt, I find this hot. He has ridiculous eye bags but I tell myself that he is the archetype of The Silent Hero – cool, aloof, powerful, a little emo and romantic. I remember reading a book called "Twilight". It's got lorry-loads of description pertaining to this subject matter.

Presently, Edward is looking at me in a concerned manner. The idiot actually believed that dumping me on the ground would make me dazed enough to forget his superhuman feat. It was sheer stupidity. At any rate, it wouldn't do to displease someone you're about to milk your money and bling-bling from. So I cleverly decided to play along with his silly games.

"I think you hit your head pretty hard."

Duh I didn't. You put me down so softly that I couldn't have complained.

"Ow," I said, with equal hypocrisy.

I tried to question him about his blatantly inhuman agility and strength, but he stared at me with those honey-coloured eyes of his and challenged me with an innocent smile. Instantly, I counterfeited a swoon and asked no more. With types like Edward, you gotta have patience. You got to be persistent, keep pestering them with questions and swoons alternately.

Yet I could not, must not appear like an absolute bimbo. Well, like, yeah. I'm so, totally bimbo. I apologise. Split personality, you see. I'm actually a closet bimb. So I don't whine too much in front of Edward. It's not in fashion now, anyway, for the heroine / protagonist / main character like me to weep too much. So I try my best not to seem frightened, to appear intelligent and so on. But of course the time-honoured chauvinist tradition is for the damsel to be in distress. Hey, Edward needs to prove his macho side sometimes. And so, two-dimensional creature that I am, I try to faint away once every now and then. I can't help being myself.

"Stay where you are."

Wow. Edward sounds so brusque… so manly! But I can't let his sense of self-worth get too big – too hard for me to handle. So it's time for some ego-management, I say.

"You were over there," I very conveniently, suddenly remembered.

"No, I wasn't."

"Yes, you were."

"No, I wasn't."

Oh, please. Any idiot can see through _that_. And exactly as I calculated, Edward began to plead. He pled with his eyes. Sheesh, that guy seems to think that eyes and breaths are enough to knock unsuspecting females (and males) head over heels. Well, I'm sincerely sorry to be breaking this illusion. I demanded that I was right. He turned his eyes up to full power.

"Please, Bella," he begged. Ooh, that was easy! Ego-bursting mission accomplished! Let's have some fun now. I insisted that he explain himself. Devastated, he agreed, albeit a little reluctantly. Hee hee. I pretended to be angry with his reluctance. And then the teachers were upon us.

I could see my father, annoyingly present, too. They were about to load me into the ambulance when he bulldozed his way through the crowd. I can't express my disgust for the man properly. Let's see, he was a walking sausage, a moving mountain. His neck was porcine, his swollen face pink and his snout flaring. Charlie never could walk properly. Oh no, with him, transporting yourself from one place to another was never simply _walking_. It was hoisting your bulk, swaggering, and then landing with a tremendous thump. It is perfectly understandable why my mother left him for a loser baseball player –the whiny voice, the phony Southern slang, the sheer inertia. Sometimes, it could even get difficult to breathe the same stale air as he did.

I tried to ignore Charlie and observe the rest of the Cullens who had gathered nearby. Angry or disapproving – none of them held a shred of concern for Edward. This was a good sign. He must be the heir to the Cullen fortune to be able to garner such a delectable amount of hate. True, they must wish him dead! I, therefore, have done myself no wrong by hooking him.

My ambulance got a police escort because of the veritable Chief Swan. I must admit that I rather enjoyed the ride – all that VIP-treatment! You know, it has always been my dream to be a pampered poodle. I remember that the first time someone asked me what my career would be when I grew up, I'd actually answered, "a partying heiress". At any rate, I noticed Edward grinning his head off in the front seat. I must stop him before his head really falls off. Hey, if it's going to fall off, it should only be after the two of us are married. So, for now I must play by the rules of the game. I must appear flustered, a trifle displeased.

I ended up in the emergency room, oh well. Did anyone tell you? Life is like a vacuum cleaner… it sucks.


	6. After the Hot Guy Hits on Car

I swear, most doctors are quacks; Truth and nothing but the Truth. There was obviously nothing wrong with me – not even a bleeding pinky. Look, if those doctors were any smarter, they would have realised my Special Status as a main character, also known as the protagonist, or better still, the Mary Sue. I've gone through this before – I am the Chosen One, immortal, I can't, won't, and shan't die because of petty reasons like this. It's just not done. We heroines are a wee bit fussier. Dying by a fatal slash from an evil enemy, that's more like it. People who live glamorous lives need glamorous deaths.

At any rate, I got stuffed through a gauntlet of doctors, an X-Ray machine and then another gauntlet of doctors. Someone even had to remind me I didn't have a concussion. Oh please. No sooner than I had returned to my room did a dude called Tyler come in. How rude, I was pretending to sleep and he sees right through it. For your information, he was the one who almost ran me down. I'm grateful that Fate picked him, he was a loser anyway, not some hot hunk.

"Oh my God Bella! I'm sorry, so so sorry!" Tyler was practically screaming his nose off. I did my best to ignore his sorry pleas. Hey, even in times of severe distress, heroines need to look detach themselves from the affairs of mere mortals. I am a goddess, after all. I can feel the golden glow emanating softly from my countenance, my radiance contrasting sharply with the grayness of with my sorry surroundings. An evil-looking nurse straps me to the bed with Velcro in various weird positions. Oh no, not another cheesy scene. I had to feign another swoon before they left me alone.

Both Doctor Cullen and his sexy son were staring at me when I woke up. Oh my god, he's hot. Um, both of them.

The doctor's cool fingers probed lightly along my… you don't really want to know.

"Tender," Doctor Cullen remarks.

"Not really," I reply coyly. I'd had worse.

Anyway, skipping the crabby power play, I finally got to speak with Edward alone. Again the same old secrecy with what really happened. Does he really think that I am that stupid? I have actually read Twilight, you know. Oh wait, but that's actually a stupid thing to do. Nevermind. As usual, when I glanced at Edward honey, it was, like, oh my God – he's hot! Imagine the tone and the appropriate pauses. Sound effects apply. Edward, gloriously useless, simply glared back.

Again, I think, oh my God – he's hot! Pardon my severely limited vocabulary, it is but a characteristic of most well-thought out characters. I was in danger of being distracted by his handsome face (again!). My demon lover! My fallen angel! But alas, I cannot give in yet. I froze in cold anger and the proceeded to shift myself out of the hallway and tumble into the arms of my stressball. I mean, my dad. Ooops.

I strutted past the rows of my supporters, friends and countrymen. In tune with convention, I did not deign to turn my gaze to either the left or right. With a casual wave of my slender, sexy hand, I signalled to all those slaves in my fanclub that they need not worry, for their Divine Patron was once again filled with bountiful health. Crops wouldn't grow otherwise. What happened after I got into Charlie's cruiser is of little significance to the main storyline, except that I had to answer a phone call from sterotypically shrieking mom, and yes, I got annoyed at Charlie again. I must admit that both were not worth my effort... except for the fact that I had to be at least a little concerned over the mental welfare of my mother, and I needed to get the story going by foreshadowing the breakdown of my relationships. Ten minuted after I put down the phone, I received a phone call from my mom giving me more tips on good acting. Praise be to her, she'd done a good job with the screaming and fussing bit; heck, she was enjoying herself at a party when I called. I'd always thought she was a good actress.

Later that night, I got an update from Fate that I was supposed to get my first dream about Edward Cullen. I decided to ignore it and get a sound sleep instead.


End file.
